Monday, March 29, 2010

Quick Update

Hey there all you guys

So, I've skipped yet another week...or two... Can't remember how long it's been, actually, I just know it's been a while. Sorry 'bout that.

I'd started a post reviewing Kristen Cashore's Fire, but mid-way through, I found out some bad news and really didn't feel like writing anymore. Don't worry, I still have the post saved on my comp, and I'll finish it and post it shortly.

What was the bad news? Well, I don't really want to go into too much detail, but writing it out and sharing is kind of therapeutic for me. We had a death in the family. One of my second cousins committed suicide two Fridays ago, and his memorial service was last Wednesday. He was 16. I didn't really know him, probably have only seen him 4 or 5 times, though I think I saw him last Thanksgiving. From what we've been told by his more immediate family, it was completely unexpected. It's just sad. RIP Randy.

Since then, I've been keeping busy with my family. Our project this week was to clean out our sewing/craft/storage room. We didn't completely finish, still have a couple boxes to go through, but it's a million times better than how it started, and my mom and I will most likely finish it tomorrow or Tuesday. Next projects: our bedrooms.

I've started reading The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, finally. I saw the movie a few years ago (the recent American adaptation) and liked it alright, but I'm afraid it's made reading the book a bit difficult. So far, the book is a lot drier, which I suppose is to be expected, considering they had to dumb it down for American audiences. However, I have found listening to the audiobook (narrated by Douglas Adams, himself) to be a different experience altogether. It's got to be the British Accent that makes all the difference. I've finished chapter three, in which the Earth was demolished. I should have it finished by the book club's deadline on Wednesday.

March Madness has entered the household. Though I'm not a huge basketball fan, I was in Pep band all through high school, so I can follow and cheer with the best of them. I didn't fill out brackets, or anything, but I do have my teams. Purdue and Washington were my big ones, and they both had a pretty good showing. But now we're all for Butler, as my Grandpa (may have) attended classes there (his memory is a bit fuzzy on that matter - he attended the theological school near there, and thinks he might have been required to take classes there). Riding on their 24 games-in-a-row winning streak, we're hoping they go all the way. As for the rest of the games, well, we usually root for the underdogs.

Another distraction I've given myself is playing Pokemon Emerald. Yes, yes, I know, I'm 22 years old, I should be acting my age. But Pokemon is just so addicting for the collector in me. Not to mention that I can play it without really paying attention. It may take me ages to get through, considering I'm very particular about training each and every Pokemon I catch, but it's easy enough to give me the satisfaction of multi-tasking (even if it's only accompanied by watching TV).

Oh, I've just realized that I've got an eventful week ahead:

Tuesday evening I'm attending a Resume Workshop at the library. I attended his Job-Search Workshop in January and found him to be quite encouraging and helpful. Unfortunately, the library seems bound and determined to sabotage all of his workshops by providing incorrect information online. Last time, they fudged both the dates by adding 10 - 5th and 19th turned into the 15th and 29th - a feat I'm not sure I've ever seen mistaken on a calendar before. And then, this time, the RSVP email they provided contained a typo - Rich turned into Rish. Annoying, yes, but I hope that we'll at least have a good turn-out and get some good information.

Wednesday evening, Patricia Briggs (Mercy Thompson series) is coming to the local Powell's to promote her newest book, Silver Borne. I fell in love with her series last winter, and hope her turn-out will be large enough to warrant return visits, but not so large that it's uncomfortable. There was another author there last Thursday (Kim Harrison - Hollows series [Black Magic Sanction]) who drew a crowd of at least 50, and it looked and sounded a bit too crowded for my liking. I hope to include some snippets from the evening in my next blog.

Well...I think that's all. At least for now. It's longer than I thought it'd be, random as it is. I will try to write more this week, though I'm sure you understand how other obligations turn up. Who knows, maybe I'll snap some shots of my room when/if it gets all spiffy.

Das your Vadanyas


Thursday, March 11, 2010

Leave It To House

Heylow peoples,

I trust you've been having a good week thusfar. Mine has improved substantially since posting my last update. I have managed to check a couple things off my list (posting my author's profile on DeviantArt, writing that blog) and am moving further along on others (finishing The Gun Seller).

Today is also my Grandpa's 74th birthday. Of course, he's far too technophobic to ever read this, but Happy Birthday! nonetheless.

And finally, on the heels of my last entry, leave it to one of my favorite shows to address exactly what I was doing. I started blogging first and foremost because I was told it was a good idea to get some of my writing out there and accessible. Obviously my last entry had nothing to do with that whatsoever, and was more of a personal journal than something anyone would have interest in reading.

As if on cue, House M.D. returned this week with an episode titled Private Lives, in which the main patient happens to be a blog-o-maniac, nearly OCD about blogging everything that she experienced. Throughout the episode she, her husband, and the regular cast exchange some enlightening thoughts about the blogging mania, and its impact on the blogger.

Spoiler alert - I summarize events and quote dialog from this episode, so if you haven't seen it and still want to, skip this section now.



The doctors are trying to establish what is wrong with the patient, and how to start fixing her...

House: What does she blog? Politics, dominatrix, cooking? 'Cause I need recipes.

Chase: It's a personal journal. I don't get putting your whole life online.

Taub: It's not that crazy. Privacy is basically a modern invention. Towns used to be too small for anybody to keep any secrets.

[insert medical talk relevant to diagnosing the patient]

House: (seemingly ignoring the medical talk) And knowing too much about each other is exactly why people leave small towns and move to the city.

Taub: And a lot of people stay, because in return for zero privacy you get community, connection...

House: Big red A's for our tunics. Connections are for airports. For people, we have over 300 cable channels.



Doctors Taub and Foreman enter. The patient is on her bed with her laptop. There is another woman sitting in a chair beside the bed, also on a laptop. They are both staring intently at their screens.

Taub: It's nice to have visitors.

Patient: I'm updating my blog.

Woman Visitor: And I'm reading it.

Taub: (pauses) You realize you're in the same room?

Patient: (smiles and pushes laptop away) Sorry. (turns to Foreman) So I've been thinking about what you said, and I'm sure I washed my hands after I threw out the rat poison.

Foreman: Apparently you did it multiple times over a course of days. Can't be too certain.

Woman Visitor: You must be Doctor Foreman. (closes her laptop and stands) I've got to get back to work. Take it easy. (touches Patient's arm, picks up her things and leaves)

Doctors both look at Patient.

Patient: What? She reads my blog.

Taub: (leans over to read laptop screen) Personally, I don't think you're condescending at all.

Patient: That's not what I wrote.

Foreman's eyes widen and he too leans in to read.

Patient Continues: When you were taking my history, I told you I went white-water rafting 6 months ago, and you said it was, (in snobbish voice) 'Unlikely to be related.' (normal voice) I was just giving information. Let's face it, you got a little snarky.

Foreman: You can't convey a tone of voice in writing.

Patient: I just put what you said. If you don't want people to think you're condescending, maybe you shouldn't say condescending things.

Taub nods approvingly.

Patient: Can this wait a sec, cause I have to pee. (gets out of bed and walks toward adjoining restroom) You know, I think people behave badly because there are no records of what we say or do.

The Doctors exchange yawns and eye-rolling-type gestures as she continues off screen.

Patient Continues: And nobody believes anymore that God's watching. Well, God's not, but I am. Everything's on the record, including everything I do.



Chase is sitting at a laptop. Thirteen walks in.

Thirteen: Find anything?

Chase: Relevant? No. Interesting? I guess. There's nothing she doesn't share. "Angry Sex is Overrated. How can he expect me to be aroused when I'm so pissed at him?"

Thirteen: Revelations like that might just earn her a new kidney. An hour after she blogged about her kidney failure, the hospital got a call. From Singapore. One of [The Patient's] readers asking how hard it would be to donate.



Chase is in the midst of getting the Patient ready for an x-ray.

Patient asks if one of her 'complaints' in her blog could really mean she has this disease.

Chase: Yeah. It's lucky you wrote about that.

Patient: I'm a little crazier-thinking to share that much?

Chase: Not crazy. Unusual, thinking to be that intimate with people you don't know.

Patient: But I do know them. They read my blog, I comment on theirs... Just cause you haven't met someone physically, doesn't mean you don't know them.

Patient and Chase move on to talk about their intimate relationships.

Patient: ...Sometimes it's easier to open up to people who aren't looking you.


One of the Patient's heart valves is nearly gone, so she is then faced with replacing it with a plastic valve--which results in medication that wouldn't allow for having kids--or a pig's heart valve--which would require subsequent surgeries every 10 years, go against her recent vows against animal cruetly, and anger her many vegan and vegetarian readers.

When given the news, she is left alone with her husband to discuss whether or not they want kids. Instead of having a conversation with him, however, she reaches for her laptop to get her readers' opinions, much to the anger and disgust of her husband.

He asks her not to blog it; that it should be her decision, not theirs. She responds, "If I start picking and choosing, I'm being dishonest. I'm sorry." She then picks up her laptop and starts typing.



Patient closes her laptop and looks up at her Husband.

Patient: I'm going with plastic. It just makes more sense. I don't want another operation later.

Husband: That's not why you're doing this. Look, when you were first telling me about why you loved the internet, you said that no one has to be alone again. Whoever you are, whatever you love, you can connect with someone. If you want to recreate the Boston Tea Party, dressed as Imperial Storm Troopers, you can find the other 10 people in the world who have always wanted to do that.

Patient: That hasn't changed.

Husband: But you have. This thing that you do is not about connection anymore, it's about an audience. It's a performance, and you've got one eye on the number of hits. You've turned our lives into their entertainment.
(sits down next to Patient)
You're smart, you're fun to read. It's okay. But don't give them this. (pause) Or if you do, don't...expect me to be here.



Patient and Husband are waiting to go into surgery.

Patient: Are you going to be here when I wake up?

Husband moves closer, rests a hand on her head, looks at her but stays silent.

Patient: I hate that you don't have a blog. I hate that I don't know what you're thinking.

Husband: Let's not get into it right now.


After her appendix bursts, the Patient is given a diagnosis of Leukemia, giving her about a year to live. This is then rejected because of a new symptom, and she is given a new diagnosis with 3 or 4 days to live.

House then has one of his traditional breakthroughs in a totally unrelated conversation and 'rushes' to the Patient's room. There he engages in a conversation about her bowel movements in order to confirm his theory...

House: You just had to be so...suaft (?). You're a hypocrit. No lies, no secrets, but everything stops at your colon. 4000 pages, not one word about BMs. And I bet yours don't smell at all.

Patient: Nobody wants to hear about that stuff.

House: Readers don't. People who don't really care about you don't. But doctors might.

[Insert more talk about feces and the REAL diagnosis!]

House: We all need some secrets. As long as they don't kill us, they keep us safe and warm.

Doctors leave to go start new treatment. Patient and Husband hug and have a double kiss. Patient decides she's gonna choose the pig valve. Husband glances over, then grabs the laptop and gives it to her.

Husband: I know you'll go crazy if you don't tell people.

Patient: (laughs) Thank God you're an enabler.

She opens the laptop with a deep breath and...end of her story arc.


So, is blogging more about community, or putting on a performance? Is it leaving a record of accountability, or is it misrepresenting those who are quoted?

In a way...Yes. Yes to all of the above.

When I found my only follower to be one of my college friends (holla Jamika!), I reassessed what I wanted this blog to be about and decided that I could/would include a bit more personal information. Not just a highlight of my work, or my style, but something that would be more fun and informal. My previous piece may have gone a little overboard, but it got a lot of stuff off my back and enabled me to move on with a big sigh of relief. Will I ever do something like that again? Probably not. But then again, who knows?

But I feel that me and my reader(s) form a community, or have already come from an established community. (So far) We all know each other from outside the bloggosphere, and any thoughts we share here are furthering our connection. Corny, perhaps, but to some extent it's definitely true.

Do I think that it's possible to get sucked into the internet? Definitely. I've faced a bit of that myself in the past few years. Granted, I was connecting with people in a certain niche (Harry Potter), and it wasn't hundreds (maybe 20 at most). They weren't making my decisions for me. They weren't dictating my opinions. They were simply acquaintances, and some made it far enough for me to call them friends. But would I say I was performing for their approval? Not any more than I would for people in real life.

That said, I would love for more people to follow my blog. I would love to be one of those huge, well-known bloggers who gets hundreds of comments and responses from every blog. However, as I haven't committed myself to a mainstream topic, I probably won't ever get that kind of response. And, for the time being, I've resigned myself to that.

That's where I found the Patient's implied 'shitload' of followers (the guy in Singapore?) to be a bit unbelievable for a personal journal. She didn't sound like she had that much of an interesting life, so I'm not sure where she got such a big hook that hundreds of people all over the globe would start following her. Maybe, after her near-death experience and her being treated by one of the most renowned Diagnosticians, she might draw a larger pool of interest, but going in to the episode, "Tyler and I Had a Fight" and "Angry Sex is Overrated" just aren't going to win you hundreds of readers, nor reach a global fanbase.

Might blogs make people more accountable for their everyday actions? Possible, but on the whole, I doubt it. Going along with the 'journal-type blogs aren't going to get millions of followers', complaining about the jerk who sat by you on the bus with his music too loud isn't going to make the population remember to turn their music down in enclosed spaces. Sure, if you blog about a person by name, then your record might pop up in a Google search, and then they might be impacted.

There was a more compelling argument for records/accountability in a Gaming Convention video I saw recently... About how everything we do will generate Achievement Awards. And even's only a slim chance that we as a culture/species can ever take accountability for our actions instead of just looking out for #1.

And the last point: are we, as bloggers, misrepresenting the subjects on which we report? Well, informal bloggers (such as myself) are not journalists. Most times we don't or can't get both sides of a story, or event, or person, in order to accurately report the truth. Everything we say is simply an interpretation or an opinion of what happened.

In the example of the Patient blogging about her doctors, Foreman was right. She couldn't, or didn't try, to 'convey [his] tone of voice in writing'. Therefore, he could easily have been slandered as condescending, when he wasn't. Future employers might then, upon Googling his name, decide that his bedside manner isn't what they are looking for. At the same time, ideally, people reading this blog should take into account that it is simply one opinion, not a carefully and unbiasedly documented case.

Blogs are important tools for getting information out there. However, blogs are primarily for the enjoyment for the writer. They are often effective therapy, since sometimes it is 'easier to open up to people who aren't looking you' or who you've never even met. Readers may come and go, but the author's happiness is the most important in the relationship. They aren't getting paid for it, they aren't winning awards for it (*cough* yet *cough*), and 90% of them aren't researching their information for it.

It's just for fun. And it should stay that way.

And with that, I bid you adieu for another week(ish amount of time).

Cheerio, pip pip,

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

One (Small) Step at a Time

Have you ever been faced with so many possibilities that you don't know what to do? Perhaps you've gone to a new restaurant with a free meal voucher and couldn't decide which of the 10 appetizers, 15 entrees, 20 sides, 10 soups, and 12 deserts to choose. Or maybe you've been to a buffet and had trouble picking the perfect combination of items to fill your first (second, and perhaps third) plate.

Well, right now I feel like I have about 6 plates worth of food waiting for me and they're all scrambling to be on the first trip.

Here's just a sampling of everything that comes to mind right now...

Research/Write Resume
Search for Jobs
Eat diet food / Not eat junk food
Clean my face
Make an effort to be presentable
Clean my room
Organize file drawers
Revise my screenplay
Write this blog
Write my author's profile for DeviantArt
Write RP posts
Write for fun
Read library books
Read my book club's book
Read the huge collection of unread books on my shelves
Watch the last 8 episodes of Dollhouse
Catch up on NCIS
Watch random TV
Play video games
Surf the internet
Draw for fun
Design shop items
Design floorplans
Keep in touch with friends

Every single one of these actions is preceded by an "I should," and frankly, I'm getting tired of needing to do things. It's bad enough to know you should do one or two things, but when there's a list of over 10 things needing your attention, you (or rather, I) start to feel a bit useless. 'Overwhelmed' doesn't even cut it anymore; I just feel downright useless.

I Should...Research/Write Resume ~ Search for Jobs
Being unemployed is disheartening in and of itself. The job market is cruddy for everyone, and being a new college grad just makes it that much worse. Well, no, I'm sure there are college grads out there who just finished med school, law school, or some high tech degree and have 3 jobs lined up at their fingertips. But for we (fools) who graduated with a Bachelor of Arts Degree, and who don't want to teach...yeah, it's pretty slim pickings.

I've found a couple job listings for "Writers" or "Tech Writers" and it seems every one of them requires "At least 5 years/7 years experience". While I have been writing various things over that period of time, it definitely hasn't been technical writing, nor has it even been professional or published. How is one to obtain that experience if no one will hire anyone without it???

I did find one job that I might be able to do... Though, the more I think about it, the less I think I'm qualified. It's an Administrative Assistant/Technical Writer position that only requires '2 years experience'. Now, I've never worked as an Administrative Assistant either, but I figured there really wasn't much to it but office work. So I asked an employment agency representative if I could have more information about that job...and that's where my confidence ended. The further down the list of required skills she went, the more I wanted to apologize for wasting her time and leave. But I managed to hold my place and give affirmations of my ability long enough to get the address to send my resume to... Worst they can say is 'no', right?

I've also thought about getting a Teller job. Sure, it's not anywhere near where I'd like to be, but it'd bring in an income. And though math was not my major (hell, I haven't done math seriously since physics in freshman year), I figure I can still manage simple arithmetic and typing on a keyboard/calculator.

And that just leaves actually creating a resume. I went in to the employment agency last week to get some help, but without something for them to look at, all the help I got was a walk over to the bookshelf for some Resume Examples. I guess I just have to go ahead and slap down my accomplishments (or lack thereof) onto a sheet of paper so I can get some serious advice. Maybe I'll even print out a few sheets worth of ideas and have a counselor help me copy and paste.

One thing's for sure: I am NOT making a job-experience formatted resume. 2 cashiers positions and a glorified cleaning position does not translate to anything I have any interest in doing.

I Should...Exercise ~ Eat diet food / Not eat junk food ~ Clean my face ~ Make an effort to be presentable
Part of my low self-esteem stems from my constant struggles with my body image. I know I'm not healthy, and I know I need to take steps to fix that. I've been on a diet before, and I saw great results - down 50+ pounds in half a year. That was when the entire family went on this diet, cleaned out the kitchen/pantry, and made a concerted effort to support each other. Then, after a few months, the rest of my family started reintroducing all the junk food (aka good-tasting food), and my willpower (never being very good) broke down.

We still have a cupboard full of this diet food. It isn't the worst-tasting food. It isn't even complicated to make (add water, stir, heat for a minute, depending on the meal). It's just a matter of knowing that there are other, better-tasting options in the same place, or just a quick trip up the road, that is proving to be my continued downfall.

It doesn't matter that I've regained all the weight I lost. It doesn't matter that I don't fit into the clothes I bought at that time. It doesn't matter that I hate seeing myself in the mirror. It doesn't even matter that the diet food keeps coming every month. My guilt seems to stop as soon as I walk into the kitchen, and then I reach for the milk, box of cereal, and container of sugar. It's even fitting that the metaphor beginning this article had to do with food, isn't it?

Exercise is in the same boat. It'd be so simple to just get up and pop in the Wii Fit, but the TV is already on something else. Or my mom's watching it, and I don't want to interrupt. Or I just showered, and I'd just get sweaty again. Or I want/need to go somewhere in an hour and don't have enough time. Need an excuse? I've got a ton of 'em.

Cleaning my face is a(n admittedly) recent addition to my plate. Throughout high school and college, I will admit that my personal hygiene was not up to par. However, cleaning my face and applying makeup (mostly just a base and eyeshadow) have become almost necessities now, since they have managed to allow me to look in the mirror without grimacing. And, really, the smallest amount of self-esteem is worth it. But it still takes time, and I often find myself unwilling to put forth the effort if I don't plan on leaving the house (an unfortunately often occurrence).

I Should...Clean my room ~ Organize file drawers
Cleaning my room is just one of those tasks that (a) I have it in my mind that it should be done in one sitting, (b) would probably only take half an hour so I put it off until something else comes up, and (c) never seems fun to do. Honestly, my room isn't the messiest in the house (that honor belonging to my mom or sister), but I can't say that I enjoy looking at the disorder. It's just easier to.

Organizing my files was a task that I decided on after I moved back after college and still hasn't gotten done. I need a box or two for my high school stuff (or maybe just a recycle bin), and then another one for my college stuff. I'm a bit of a pack rat, though, so I'd love help doing it...and I don't see that happening any time soon. Le sigh.

I Should...Write this blog ~ Revise my screenplay ~ Write my author's profile for DeviantArt ~ Write RP posts ~ Write for fun
Yes, writing, though one of my loves, requires an effort that I am having trouble conjuring up recently. Even this blog (as I'm sure you've noticed) is a week late. And while I could conjure up a whole list of excuses (see those above against exercise), it all comes down to not having accountability. The deadlines are gone, the guidelines are gone, and I'm still reeling from the shock. I could never be my own boss, because then nothing would get done.

My senior thesis was a screenplay, and frankly, it turned out quite shitty. I think my plot is solid, I tried my best to keep my characters grounded, and the dialog is probably passable... But I was rushed on the ending, and on revising overall, so I'm still not happy with it. It's been a couple months since I last tried working on it, and it's just sitting there gathering figurative cobwebs... But a small voice in my mind asks, "What's the point? Who's gonna read it anyway?" So, even though I want to revise, I push it off to follow behind 'more pressing' tasks.

I mentioned before that I've joined a group on DeviantArt that involves writing partners. Well, my writing partner may be writing her heart out, but I've yet to see anything of it. I've told her I'm more than willing to take a look at what she's written, but other than an exchange of 'hellos', and my readings of her journals, I've not received anything else. Thus, I have decided to post an open profile directly to the group, advertising, if you will, myself as a proofreader/criticizer. I wish I could have a partner who would tug on my hair and force me to write, but I highly doubt anyone I meet online could have that influence on me.

As far as the RP goes, it comes and goes in waves. If you didn't know already, I'm part of a group who each take a character (or two...or three) in a collaborative Harry Potter roleplay. While I have people waiting on me to post...I find myself really not caring. There are maybe 15 active members, and during the school year we have maybe 5 of them actively participating. I think I've been left hanging for weeks one too many times, because right now, I can't be bothered.

And writing for's almost funny how little I want to do that. I mean, I think I'm good at writing, and I think (that's right, they've gone from 'know' to 'think') that's what I want to do with my life, but with motivation at a zero and paychecks at the forefront in my mind, fun/frivolous writing almost makes me sick.

I Should...Read library books ~ Read my book club's book ~ Read the huge collection of unread books on my shelves
I currently have 2 books checked out: The Gun Seller by Hugh Laurie (Blackadder, A Bit of Fry & Laurie, House M.D.) and Fire by Kristen Cashore (Graceling). I'm about halfway through The Gun Seller, and I find it fun and engaging, but when put up against the ease of watching TV... Well, it's due Saturday, so I'll have to finish it by then. Fire still has a week after that. But, maybe it's just me, but I HATE reading with other people in the room. I don't know, I just find it rude. It's probably the biggest reason I don't read much, and then only at night or in a bookstore.

I've pretty much taken over the running of Diffindo's (the HP website) book club. I make the posts, I pick the themes, I set up the polls, I try to remind people and get them interested, and I've read every book (well, except Watchmen, but actually no one ended up reading that one). But I can only do so much. I seem to be the only one who is interested in discussing books, even when I'm not the one who suggested it! This month is The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams, so I'm hoping that we'll get a little more interest. Anyone who's interested in this or any of the other 8 books we've read, just go here!

I recently made a list of the books on my shelf that I haven't read (Hitchhiker's Guide being one of them) and came up with around 100. Moral of the story, besides my book club selections, I think I'm staying away from the library for a while.

I Should...Watch the last 8 episodes of Dollhouse ~ Catch up on NCIS ~ Watch random TV ~ Play video games ~ Surf the internet
I loved Dollhouse, I really did, but knowing that it's over makes me in no hurry whatsoever to watch the episodes. Probably the best initiative coming up is that my TiVo is running out of room (with it recording every episode of Invader Zim).

I fell behind with NCIS last year, I think heading in to the winter break, and am now so far behind that I'll have to find the episodes online. It's just one of those that I've forgotten about with the 7 other shows I watch weekly.

TV in general is an ever-present distraction. Be it stupid cartoons (Fairly Odd Parents, Spongebob), addicting kid shows (iCarly, Phineas and Ferb, Avatar), interesting history shows (Life After People, Modern Marvels), or stuff that I really don't care about but am too lazy to leave the room (food/design shows). It also provides a good background noise to play video games to.

Besides the games we have for the Wii, I am also currently addicted to the DS game Black Sigil: The Blade of the Cursed. It's an role-play (somewhat) turn-based game that allows for leveling up a la Pokemon and gaining money and items in battle. It's something that allows for TV-watching and playing at the same time...though it's best if you aren't actually watching the TV, as it seems to be slightly time-based.

Then there's the random video-watching, article-reading, music-listening surfing that one likes to do on the internet in general. It may not make you feel accomplished, but it sure helps distract you for hours on end.

I Should...Draw for fun ~ Design shop items ~ Design floorplans
I haven't drawn in years, really. Not since my art class in junior year of high school, anyway. But I don't think I'm completely devoid of talent and I'd like to draw some characters I've been thinking of, just so I can stop 'borrowing' from other artists. It's just a matter of sitting down with some paper, a pencil, and a big eraser.

Diffindo recently got a money/shop code, but we've yet to create anything to buy/sell. As one of the graphic designers (and the only one seemingly with time on her hands), it falls to me to come up with things for those slots. Granted, the code isn't perfect yet (you can only sell a maximum of 5 things), so we aren't putting anything up for sale yet, but it's best to have things ready.

I've also created floorplans for the RP site (visible on my DeviantArt), but when one building has 10 floors and I've only finished 6...I still have work to do. I find these fun to do, but they do take a lot of time and can get rather repetitive, so I find myself putting them off until I get a LOT of motivation.

I Should...Keep in touch with friends
You'd think this would be fairly easy with my small pool of friends. That's right, I'll be the first to say that I'm quite the recluse. I have low self-esteem (as explained earlier) so I often don't want to impose on others. A year ago I would have said I had a large number of internet friends, but with them all moving on to increasing 'Real Life' activities, I'd draw that number back to 4 or 5. As far as people I've met in my own 'Real Life', outside of college I never see them. I don't have co-workers to hang with, I don't have a bowling league to meet with...I don't really have anybody.

I Actually Do Sleep
Practically the only 'good' thing I do constantly is sleep. Granted, I do it at a bad time (around 4am to 2pm), and I rarely actually want to get out of bed (gee, I wonder why), but at least I'm not an insomniac.

But even with all that stuff crowding me, I still look to the future and am taking small steps forward. Cleaning my face and starting to apply makeup is my first step, and I'll probably set finishing The Gun Seller as my second. Job hunting is definitely at the forefront of my thoughts, but overstressing it won't get anything done, and that is a step that I'll probably have to divide up into smaller steps. Dieting correctly and exercise will be especially hard steps, and might even take multiple tries, but I'm positive I'll tackle them and succeed eventually.

And, funnily enough, as if on cue, this song happened to come on my shuffle just as I was finishing this post:

Relient K ~ More Than Useless

I feel like, I would like
To be somewhere else doing something that matters
And I'll admit here, while I sit here
My mind wastes away and my doubts start to gather

What's the purpose? It feels worthless
So unwanted like I've lost all my value
I can't find it, not in the least bit
and I'm just scared, so scared that I'll fail you

And sometimes I think that I'm not any good at all
And sometimes I wonder why, why I'm even here at all
But then you assure me

I'm a little more than useless
And when I think that I can't do this
You promise me that I'll get through this
And do something right
Do something right for once

So I say if I can't, do something significant
I'll opt to leave most opportunities wasted
And nothing trivial, that life could give me will
Measure up to what might have replaced it

Too late look, my date book
Is packed full of days that were empty and now gone
And I bet, that regret
Will prove to get me to improve in the long run

And sometimes I think that I'm not any good at all
And sometimes I wonder why, why I'm even here at all
But then you assure me

I'm a little more than useless
And when I think that I can't do this
You promise me that I'll get through this
And do something right
Do something right for once

I’m a little more than useless
And I never knew I knew this
Was gonna the day, gonna be the day
That I would do something right
Do something right for once

I notice, I know this
Week is a symbol of how I use my time
Resent it, I spent it
Convincing myself the world's doing just fine
Without me
Doing anything of any consequence
Without me
Showing any sign of ever making sense
Of my time , it's my life
And my right, to use it like I should
Like he would, for the good
Of everything that I would ever know

I'm a little more than useless
When I think that I can't do this
You promise me that I'll get through this
And do something right
Do something right for once

I’m a little more than useless
And I never knew I knew this
Was gonna the day, gonna be the day
That I would do something right
Do something right for once

Until next time,