Wednesday, August 25, 2010

J is for Jokes

Sometimes when you've had a bad day, you just need a joke to lighten the mood. They say laughter is the best medicine, and when you're going through some tough times, it's great to be able to escape into a laugh every now and again.

So here are some jokes, comedians, and generally funny videos I've found around the net. Hope you can find something that tickles your funny bone.

God and three of his disciples are up in heaven, just chillin and chatting. Suddenly, God tells the disciples, "Go out and do a bad deed." The disciples are hesitant, but this is God talking so they really can't argue. All three leave and go out to do their bad deeds.

The first disciple comes back crying—just bawling his eyes out. God asks, "My son, what did you do? Why are you crying?" The disciple says through his tears, "I killed a dog." God comforts him and says, "Go, drink from the Holy Water and all will be forgiven." So the disciple goes off to drink from the Holy Water.

The second disciple comes back crying—barely able to walk from his grief. God asks, "My son, what did you do? Why are you crying?" This disciple takes longer but finally says, "I killed a camel." God comforts him and says, "Go, drink from the Holy Water and all will be forgiven." So the disciple goes off to drink from the Holy Water.

The third disciple comes back laughing, clutching his sides, barely able to breathe. God, quite confused asks him, "What did you do? Why are you laughing?" The disciple takes a long time before he can speak, but finally says, "I peed in the Holy Water!"
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A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, your pet has passed away."

The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I'm sure. The duck is dead" he replied.

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog and took it out.

The vet returned a few moments later with a beautiful cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed the bird from it's beak to it's tail and back again. The cat sat back on her haunches, shook her head, meowed softly, jumped down and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys, and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$300!" she cried. "$300 just to tell me my duck is dead?!!"

The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been $40. But with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it all adds up."
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When a Woman Will Lie

One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "My dear child, why are you crying?" The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their family.

The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble set with sapphires. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.

The seamstress replied, "No."

The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a golden thimble studded with rubies. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.

Again, the seamstress replied, "No."

The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.

The seamstress replied, "Yes." The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.

...

Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the water. When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, "Why are you crying?''

"Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!"

The Lord went down into the water and came up with George Clooney. "Is this your husband?" the Lord asked.

"Yes," cried the seamstress.

The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"

The seamstress replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to George Clooney, you would have come up with Brad Pitt. Then if I said 'no' to him, you would have come up with my husband. Had I then said 'yes', you would have given me all three. Lord, I'm not in the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT'S why I said 'yes' to George Clooney."

And so the Lord let her keep him.

The moral of this story is:

Whenever a woman lies, it's for a good and honorable reason, and in the best interest of others. That's our story, and we're sticking to it.

Signed,
~All Us Women















Warning: Strong Adult Language



So, any good jokes you can share?


A couple J Books I've Read:

A Jovial J Vid:

The J Font: